JUST REMEMBER - I'M A BLOND, SO THERE ARE SOME REVENGE JOKES IN HERE, TOO!
Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off 3 legs and was still stuck.
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Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
She tried to commit suicide by handing herself with a bungee cord.
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Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a car wreck?
The spare tire in her trunk blew out.
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Did you hear about the blond who just bought an AM radio?
It took her 2 weeks to figure out that you could play it at night. (PM)
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Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
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How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There's a stamp on it.
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How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear!
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How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear.
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How does a blonde high 5?
She smacks herself in the forehead! (must be Polish too!!!)
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What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
The third grade.
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What do you call a blonde clutching at thin air?
A woman collecting her thoughts.
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What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket? (Harley Mama)
A rebel without a clue!!!
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Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little envelope.
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How do you keep your blonde secretary occupied?
Give her a bag of MM's and tell her to alphabetize them.
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What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head out the window?
Refueling.
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Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.
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What do you call nine blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.
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Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle in the typewriter.
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What's the definition of eternity?
Four blondes at a Four-way stop.
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What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
An air pocket.
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What to you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.
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What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
Oh look! Donut seeds!
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Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
This goes in front.
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Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question,
"What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
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A blonde tried to sell her old car, but was having problems getting rid of it because the vehicle had been driven 250,000 miles. She discussed her problem with a brunette co- worker at the Salon Shop. The brunette mentioned that she knows of a procedure to make the car easier to sell, but it's illegal to do so. "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can just sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine who owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then you should be able to unload the car." The following weekend, the blonde went to see the co-worker's mechanic to have the work done. Several weeks went by before the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
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How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor
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What do you call it when a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence
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What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet
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Why did the blonde crawl over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side
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What do you call a blonde behind a sterring wheel?
An air bag
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What do have when you blow in the ear of the first blonde when there are thirty blondes lined up in a row?
A wind tunnel
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Three women are about to be executed. One's a blonde, one's a redhead, and one's a brunette. The guard brings the blonde forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready!...Aim!! ..." Suddenly the blonde yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim!!..." Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes. By now the brunette has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..." ...and the brunette yells, "FIRE!!!" Moral of the Story!!!!.... soooo... you see team.. the moral of the story is.... you all are wrong! lol.. its brunettes that are airheads!!!!! lol.... we blonds are the smart ones.... lol...yelling fire like that wasnt so smart right!!!!! lol... she shoulda yelled paramedics!!!!
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Why does a Blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge?
They're for those who don't drink!
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Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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One day after work, a blonde walked into a pizza parlor and ordered a small personal pizza. When it was finished, the waiter asked the blonde if she wanted it cut into four pieces or eight. The blonde thought a bit, and said "Better make it four, I'd never be able to eat eight."
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Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
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Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
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Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
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Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
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Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
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Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
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Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.
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Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.
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Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
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A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
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A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
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Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.
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Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
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Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
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Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
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Blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
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Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
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How do you get a Blonde on the roof?
Tell her the drinks are on the house.
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Cathy the world's most avid baseball fan, a blond, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game of the series between local rival teams only to realize that she had left her ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, she went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait she was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!" Cathy looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice -- with no success. Then she realized she had lost her place in the line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again. After she had purchased her ticket, she was thirsty, so she went to buy a beer. The line at the concession stand was also very long. But since the game hadn't started she decided to wait. Just as she got to the window, a voice called out "Hey, Linda!" Again Cathy tried to find the voice and got out of line as she wandered looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck. Cathy was very upset as she got back in line for her beer. Finally she had her beer and took her seat eager for the game to begin. As she waited for the first pitch, she heard the voice calling, "Hey, Linda!" once more. Furious, Cathy stood up and yelled at the top of her lungs, "My name isn't Linda!"
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Seems that 3 blonde party girls sat down at the bar in a tavern. The first blonde tells the bartender, "I'll have a BM." The bartender taken back asks, "A what?" She says, "A Bloody Mary, Duh." The second blonde tells the bar tender, "I'll have a JC." Again, the bartender asks, "What is a JC?" She responds, smacking her lips, "A Jack Daniels and Coke, Duh!" The third blonde, asks the bartender for a fifteen". The bartender is really puzzled now and asks her what this means. The third blonde shakes her head and says, "Of course, its a seven and seven, Duh!"
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One day, a man comes home from work and finds his blonde wife leaning over the kitchen sink and crying. He said, "Honey, what's wrong?" She said between sniffles, "I ... I dropped the ice cubes on the floor, and then I rinsed them off in hot water, and now I can't find them."
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A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station cuts to a commercial. Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump. Blonde: OK. (back to newscast) He jumps. Blonde: OK Here's my $20. Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it. Blonde: I insist. I lost. Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the news at 6 and knew he jumped. So it wasn't a good bet. Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice.
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This blonde was really down on her luck, needed some big time cash quick so she decided that she was going to have to become a kidnapper. She goes to a playground and grabs this ten year old boy. She writes out the ransom note , saying "I've kidnapped your son. Place ten thousand dollars in small bills in a paper bag and place it under the slide at the playground by 9 tomorrow morning. " signed, The Blonde Kidnapper. She pens the ransom note to the boy's shirt and sends him home. The next morning she shows up at the playground shortly after 9, and sure enough there's a paper bag under the slide. She opens the bag containing the ten thousand in cash and a note. "How could you do such a thing to another blonde !!
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Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! Okay, I'll keep my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
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How do you keep your blonde secretary occupied?
Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to alphabetize them.
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On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
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A Blonde was driving down a country lane when she saw another Blonde out in the middle of a wheat field rowing a rowboat. She screeched her car to a halt and got out yelling at the Blonde in the wheat field... "YOU ARE THE REASON THAT US BLONDES HAVE A BAD RAP.......AND IF I KNEW HOW....I'D SWIM OUT THERE AND KICK YOUR BUTT!"
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Why is beauty more important than brains to a blonde?
Because plenty of men are stupid, but not very many are blind.
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Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
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Why don't blondes eat pickles?
Because they get their head stuck in the jar.
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Why does it take so long for a blonde baby to be born?
He's looking for a flashlight.
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Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
So they won't hurt themselves when they go, "I dunno, I dunno."
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Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?
That's where you clean vegetables.
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Why did the foreman at the M & M factory have to fire the blonde?
She was eating all the W & W's.
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Why did the blonde sit in a tree?
So she could call herself a branch manager.
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Why did the blonde return her new scarf?
It was too tight.
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Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
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Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.
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Why did the blonde lose her job as an elevator operator?
She couldn't learn the route.
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Why did the blonde hippie take two hits of LSD?
He wanted to go on a round trip.
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Why did the blonde drive around the block fifty-seven times?
Her turn signal stuck.
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Why did the blonde climb over the chainlink fence?
To see what was on the other side.
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Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
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Why are the Japanese so smart?
No blondes.
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What's the difference between a dead brunette lying in the road and a dead blonde lying in the road?
There's skid marks in front of the blonde.
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What's the difference between a blond and a 747?
Not everyone's been on a 747.
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What's six inches long, has a bald head on it, and drives blondes wild?
A hundred-dollar bill.
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What's a blonde's idea of natural child birth?
Absolutely no make-up.
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What's a beaten, bloody body lying in a ditch by the side of the road?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
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What was the blonde surgeon's claim to fame?
She performed the world's first successful hemorrhoid transplant.
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What was in the blonde spinster's heart-shaped locket?
A picture of a candle.
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What is the difference between an intelligent blonde and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot's been sighted.
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What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?
You get to park in the Handicapped Zone.
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What happened when the blonde got locked in the car?
Her blond boyfriend had to use a clothes hanger to get her out.
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What does a blonde think 7-11 is?
An emergency number.
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What does a blonde say after you blow in her ear?
"Thanks for the refill."
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What does a blonde from Malibu wear to a funeral?
Her black tennis dress.
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What do you call three blondes in a Volkswagen?
Far from thinking.
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What do you call a group of blondes in the freezer?
Frosted Flakes.
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What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
An interpreter.
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What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted.
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What do men have on their pants that blondes don't want on their face?
Wrinkles.
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What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.
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A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant. "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?" "May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?" "Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"
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One day a blonde went to a sea food resturant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.
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A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
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What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade in your car?
Pull the pin and throw it back!
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Why did the blonde stare at the O.J. carton?
Because it said to concentrate.
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A blonde's house is on fire so she runs outside to use a payphone to call for help. She gets the 911 operator, and gets transferred to the firehouse. "Mr. Fireman, my house is on fire you have to help me!" The Fireman replies, "Yes, yes Miss, how do I get to your house?" The blonde pauses a moment, and replies, "Umm, it's the house that's on fire." Realizing he is now talking to a blonde, the fireman comes back with "No Miss, how would you like me to get to your house?", to which the blonde replies, "Duh, big red truck."
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This blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and, sure enough, she opens the door to find him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse, takes out the gun but, as she does, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
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Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!
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Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
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Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
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Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
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Q: What does the postcard from a blond's vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
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Two guys in a pickup truck were driving home one day, when they see a dirt road that was big enough for only one vehicle. They debated a while whether or not to explore what was down there. In the end, they decided to go for it. After driving down the road for a while, they saw a blonde standing on the side of the road. She asked for a ride, and they agreed, so she hopped in the back of truck. They continued driving down the road, when all of a sudden a semi-truck was coming right towards them. They swerved off the road and ended up in a river. The two guys got out in time, but they didn't see the blonde. They started to think the worst and feared she died. A few minutes later, she suddenly appeared and they incredulously asked her what happened. She said, "I couldn't get the tailgate open."
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A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object. She asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a thermos." The blonde then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps keeps cold things cold." The blonde says, "I'll take it!" The next day, she walks into work with her new thermos. Her blonde boss sees her and asks, "What is that shiny object you have?" She said, "It's a thermos." The boss then says, "What does it do?" She replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?" The blonde replies, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
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There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
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1. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch ?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
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2. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners ?
So brunettes can remember them.
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3. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes ?
Invisible.
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4. What is the difference between a brunette and garbage ?
Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
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5. What goes screech-vroom, screech-vroom ?
That's a brunette driving through a flashing red light.
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1. How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
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2. What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
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3. How do you keep a man from drowning?
Take your foot off of his head.
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4. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
Both are empty from the neck up.
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5. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows, it’s never happened.
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6. Why are men an parking spaces alike?
The good ones are all taken and the rest are handicapped.
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7. What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
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8. What’s the difference between a man and ET?
ET phones home.
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9. What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
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9. What are the reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
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10. What is gross stupidity?
144 men all in one room.
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11. What do men think ROE vs. WADE is?
Two ways to get across the river.
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12. How do men sort their laundry?
Dirty and Dirty but wearable.
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13. How stupid are men about money?
Only a man would buy a $500.00 car and put a $4000.00 stereo in it.