WELCOME TO OUR LITTLE TOWN. WE'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO THOSE WHO LEAD US ON INTO THE NEXT CENTURY, PROVIDING GUIDANCE, UNCANNY KNOWLEDGE, AND A SENSE OF SERENITY AS WE TOIL ALONG AT OUR DAILY CHORES.
OUR TOWN OFFICE
Centrally located, the town office is usually open between the following hours:
�Monday: 8am - 11:30am and 2pm - 3pm
�Tuesday: 8am - 11am and 1pm - 3pm
�Wednesday: Office occupied, but closed for bookkeeping.
�Thursday: Closed to prevent employee exhaustion
�Friday: 8am - 10am and 3pm - 4pm
There is no phone, as the town officers are rarely there enough to need one. Each does carry at least two dixie cups and a supply�of string, however, should an emergency arise.
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NOTE: NEWCOMERS TO TOWN!! PLEASE REFRAIN FROM HARASSING, CALLING UPON, NEEDING ASSISTANCE FROM ANY AND ALL TOWN EMPLOYEES EXCEPT DURING THE�HOURS ABOVE. (p.s. WE DON'T REALLY CARE IF THEY'RE INCONVENIENT. NOT OUR PROBLEM!)
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TOWN OFFICERS
A. Yuh, the youngest of our selectmen, comes from an old town family. Here longer than anyone can remember (even family members can't remember), A. is following in the footsteps of everyone else in his family with a cash flow large enough to buy his way into office.
You can find him most frequently sitting on the steps of the historical society, contemplating his rather extensive collection of belly button lint.
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The selectman with the most years of service, he keeps his post by a combination of�threats, cajoling, and payoffs. You can find him most often in the woods, wearing his ever trusty binoculars, peering at the school during recess to "check that them teachers are doin' their jobs correctly." You see, Ihaveno does not believe that games such as hopscotch, basketball, baseball, etc. should be played on property that is dedicated to learning.
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The most affable of the three selectmen, Needa often finds himself in the middle of controversies created by A. and Ihaveno. Easily swayed, easily bought, and lazy enough not to want to read up on important local issues, Needa makes a substantial living simply by remaining neutral until all bids are in. You can find him most often picketing the local library holding a sign that says "Edukation Corrupts".
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Ms. Dorella Dufus has served the town as clerk since her ancestors planted their butts on the land where the town offices now stand. Since the family refused to move, it seemed simpler to employ at least one of the bunch. The rest of the family can be found hanging around the box of the 18 wheeler that sits on cement blocks behind the town office. Dorella, having (most agree) much more class than the rest of her family, lives in a pop-up camper in the parking lot.
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Hortense Behind, lovingly known as "Lefty" originally came to function as the town's tax collector as part of a work release program at the state prison. You can usually find her in one of two places: hovering over her rather large safe deposit box at the bank, or in her office checking her stock of white out.
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Fish and Game Officer Getlost Inwoods is most famous (and most popular) for his innate ability to appropriately delegate his myriad of duties to people who have characteristics such as being able to find the sun in the sky and the ability to correctly read and use a compass. Usually found sitting on the town office steps awaiting his wife, who drops him off and fetches him each day so he doesn't wander into the nether regions of the town.
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Officer I.D. Arrest came to us through a referral from "Lefty" Behind. Having known I.D. since childhood, their relationship because exceptionally intimate on the day that I.D. had occasion to fingerprint Lefty for the first time. The townsfolk, not being of a mind to split up a�couple so obviously in love, hired I.D. to watch over and protect their town. You can find him most often at the village mart eating donuts from a carton and drinking coffee made on the property.
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T. Grumblyhutch, known for his quick action, uncanny sense of equilibrium, knowledge of all the back�roads in town, and his ability to read without moving either lips or fingers, has functioned as chief of the volunteer fire department since Dorella first popped her tent. He can usually be found sitting atop the one fire engine the town owns using the deck gun to show his displeasure at anyone who's ever pissed him off. Should he be having a particularly bad day, you can also rent canoes from him in order to make your way around town.
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