The Piano Teacher

A SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENT

PURPOSE: To study the kinetic effects of a combination of one clueless human being in spiked heels, an iced sidewalk, and a hill.

DISCLAIMER: PLEASE NOTE THAT WHILE THIS MAY SEEM HUMOROUS ON PAPER, DOING THIS COULD SERIOUSLY HARM SOMEONE.

THE ACTUAL PIANO TEACHER INVOLVED ENDED UP WITH A COUPLE OF BROKEN BONES, A FEW SCRATCHES AND A SORE BUTT - THE CHILDREN INVOLVED IN THIS ALSO ENDED UP WITH SORE BUTTS.

Necessary elements for success:

Several inches of snow

One middle-aged spinster piano teacher dressed in 5" spike heels, a suit, a mink stole and a mink hat to match.

A VERY large hill with a sidewalk.

An old sidewalk-wide steel roller (the kind used to flatten tar).

One young girl who, after 8 years of classical piano lessons, was getting tired of having her knuckles smacked by the piano teacher because there was beach boys/beatles sheet music on the piano.

Four friends (three male, one female) of the young girl who help just because it seems like a fun thing to do.

One hose with water.

DIRECTIONS

1. Pray fervently for large amounts of snow to fall on Sundays, so you have plenty of material to work with on Sunday night.

2. Shovel the sidewalk. All the way to the sharp curve four large lots further down the hill.

3. Use the steel roller to even out and flatten the snow.

4. Stand at the top of the hill, hose in hand, and with a sweeping motion, water sidewalk until it's like glare ice.

5. Take care getting to bus stop Monday morning. DO NOT cross the sidewalk. Get to bus stop by cutting through the woods, across a neighbors' yard and into street.

6. In afternoon, invite your helpful friends to hide in your bedroom (where there are 3 windows that face the sidewalk) so that they may watch the results of the experiment.

7. Hope the piano teacher is on time - you all have homework to do.

8. HERE SHE COMES!

9. She gets out of the car, checks positioning of mink hat, clutches stole against wind, and heads for sidewalk.

RESULTS OF EXPERIMENT

1. The young people involved were, unfortunately, unable to contain visual �and auditory displays of pleasure at the obvious success of their experiment. It has been explained to same that such displays of emotion are not acceptable behavior for those engaged in valid scientific experiment.

2. The initial effect of the experiment was satisfying in that once that first spiked heel hit the ice all was lost - literally and figuratively.

3. Propelled by body weight and assisted by the greased-slide quality of the sidewalk, the piano teacher's legs were swept up into a horizontal position.

NOTE: The fact that the teacher's garter snaps failed to hold and were flipping in the breeze is not considered into the final equation for success as this was an�unforeseen, albeit welcome, end result of the experiment.

4. Once airborne, the teacher landed (satisfactorily) on her butt when an accompanying small bounce due to the force with which gravity had pulled her earthbound.

5. Distance traveled before articles of clothing were lost:

�a. first shoe - lost on initial �impact

�b. second shoe - lost when �passing ancient maple tree in

�front yard

�c. Box-type mink hat - flew �off�at level of first driveway, �jet propelled into street where �it was promptly run over by a �passing vehicle

�d. Stole - lost in front �of�Thompson's front yard, just �yards away from s-curve

NOTE: no further clothing was actually lost by participant; however, clothing that remained was not�salvageable as future wearing apparel.

6. End route traveled by participant:

�a. after entering area of �experiment, participant �initially was facing home �opposite street; energy of slide �twisted her to the left causing �her to end up facing downhill as �was necessary for successful �completion of experiment.

�b. Participant then continued �on�downhill, to the s-curve, �picking up necessary speed en �route.

�c. UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT: the �study group had initially �expected the experiment to come �to an end at the s-curve. This �was not the case. The �participant continued in a �forward manner, up over the �snowbank and came to rest in a �slush puddle one and one half �feet from uppermost crest on �banking.

7. Summary:

�a. an iced a sidewalk, �middle-aged women and spiked �heels is not necessarily (for �the woman) a good combination �for continued health and �well-being.

�b. Future participants in �studies such as this should have �a�humor assessment done PRIOR to �the acceptance of any candidate �into the control group.

�c. Parents, as we know, have NO �sense of humor where experiments �such as this are concerned. The �conclusion, therefore, is that �those conducting the experiment �should have a suitable and �undeniable scapegoat waiting in �the wings PRIOR to the arrival �of any other adults on scene �(other adults include parents, �neighbors, medical personnel, �police; exclude middle-aged �adult participant).

�d. That lack of such a scapegoat �resulted in the grounding of all �study group members, �cancellation of TV privileges, �and other such pleasures, with �threats of bodily harm to group �members should any future �experiments of this nature be �conducted without express, �written permission of all adults �who could be involved in any �manner (including bailing out �group members following arrest �for assault and battery).

�e. that any and all lessons to �be provided to the young girl �involved be made up (after the �casts came off the adult �participant), leading to the �conclusion that�the experiment, �while initially providing �feelings of satisfaction, �successful payback, etc. were �not long lasting and were not �satisfying enough to warrant �(given the NEGATIVE outcomes �listed above under (d) and in �the first few lines above) �repetition of such an �experiment.

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