Thinking of Getting Married?

HOW LOVELY.

Let Mrs. Murphy help you plan things, dearie. These things aren't all that easy to pull off with grace and finesse. Know what I'm sayin????

So we're going to take things in stages for you, take some of�the heat off.

STAGE ONE - The early days.

You may enter this stage anywhere from 4th to 6th grade, depending upon your hormones, your intelligence, and your physical appearance.

Please remember that teachers aren't stupid. Attempting to act on the impulses of raging hormones during school hours is a mistake.

There is, however, nothing -�nothing A'TALL - with looking. In fact, for the next few years all you SHOULD do is look. No sense in even leavin' a deposit until you know for sure you're buying the quality you want.

Therefore, during stage one, your assignment is to look, look again. Get input from the following people: your 2nd cousin, the clerk at the hardware store, the "stock the salad bar" biddy at the local fast food restaurant, the grease pit guy from Twit's Fixit, one ancient man picked at random from a park bench, and, if you MUST insist, one (not BOTH) parent.

STAGE TWO - GETTING CLOSER

NOW LISTEN! You're getting closer, but no one told you you could touch.

PUT THOSE HANDS IN YOUR POCKETS.

YOUR BACK POCKETS.

AND LEAVE 'EM THERE.

All right. Now that THAT'S settled, we can get back to the issue.

This section pertains to those in grades 7 through 12, whatever your age. If you happen to�have had to repeat any grades (once or more often than once), don't despair. You may be 43 and they may be 15, but despite the age difference, all those younger than you who are in your class may be considered your peers.

During this stage, you begin to decide what's important to you in a man/woman. Mrs. Murphy and her little Murphettes have done up a simple table to assist you.

Selection Table One

Attribute ��	�� Male �� � ��	Female ��
Hair � � �	Should have at least some	Natural blond, obviously cared for by expensive salon
Facial features	Nose that's been broken twice is�OK. Any more than that and�you need to have handy the number for your local domestic abuse hotline	It is not a good thing if she carries a gun, knife or pepper spray, unless YOU gave it to�her
Neck � �	Thick, solid or scrawny. A neck that's in between the above two is preferable.	You want a neck that's swan-like. If for no other reason than it sounds good in bragging conversations.
Arms	Muscular (adds a certain machismo)	Muscular - shows him you're not afraid of�hard work, such as splitting logs
Legs	See arms	See arms
Chest	Well developed, muscular, not overly hairy	Well developed, firm, should have NO hair
Abdomen	Should not hang below level of bottom edge of belt buckle unless suspenders are worn at all times.	Should be flat, with no rolls. Shows you're working hard at stacking that wood you've been splitting.
Backside	Should not wiggle any more vigorously than Roseann's	Shouldn't wiggle at�all after the woods stacked
Level of intelligence	Now this may�depend on just exactly what you're looking for in a mate. You want someone who will do exactly what you say, when you say it, perhaps you should look beyond your own class. Perhaps a "special" class like the one that's called "sticking the�round peg into the round hole, levels 1,2,3	OK, ladies, at least SOME intelligence is a must. He must at least be able to fix things around the house without making them so bad they're non-functional.Visit your intended during shop class and note how many times he drops that 8 cylinder engine on his head.
Personal (or family's) bank account info	Must be high if they expect some poor female to take this schmuck off their hands.	Expect to�pay dearly here. HER (or her family's) bank balance doesn't matter. She splits and stacks wood. This is viewed as an extra asset, cancelling out any other numerical value that may be assessed to her. Her father has already set a price. - Don't haggle. Do YOU want to split/stack the wood?
Hunting ability	Success rate must be high for every animal in all divisions EXCEPT for�skunk	Must be able to skin, gut, hang, or whatever else is necessary to complete her part in stocking the family larder. This attribute (as well as that for the male) must be checked out in advance, and comes under the heading of "considering courting".
Young ones	Must be fertile, as�evidenced by several children in the community looking like him	This MUST NOT be assessed until AFTER the nuptuals, except for�how she deals with young ones belonging to others.
Earning ability	Vocation should not matter if: income is above 50,000 per year and he can fully clan the grit out from under his nails.	Vocation???? Be serious. She has to stay home and split and stack wood.