OK DEARIE. �It's time to start looking for that perfect gown, that special trousseau.

(YES, we're aware that you're not even engaged yet, but do you really want this aggravation later on when you can't even think straight?)

THERE! �I KNEW you'd see reason.

THE GOWN AND GIFTS

This is a very important part of your nuptials. It will indicate how much you value yourself, how much your family values you, your taste in clothing, and whether or not your family is prepared to go into hock to put on a good show.

The characteristics of the gown, veil and shoes are important. The following items/characteristics must be considered:

1. If the bride-to-be has a tattoo, the gown or veil MUST cover same if any family member attending is over the age of 55 (except when that person[s] has their OWN tattoo).

2. Leaving price tags on items to be worn just prior to and after the wedding is considered permissible. Displaying sales slips, loan application forms, etc. that are mounted in an easy-to-read binder is a must.

3. Price tags hanging from your gown/veil/shoes/jewelry during the wedding itself is not only considered tacky, it's a show those who didn't attend the pre-nuptial festivities deserve to have. If they wanted this info, they should have come to pre-nuptial festivities (bearing gifts, of course).

4. Guests arriving at pre-wedding festivities must come bearing gifts with a value (or combined value) equal to or more than the least expensive item on the sales slips displayed by the proud family. (Exception - guests may NOT use knee-his as a guide for purchasing price.)

5. Being a lady, the bride-to-be MUST not comment on the quality of gifts given. Even if all five toasters definitely came from the local shop and swap.

6. For those on the giving end of things, the following are considered tacky and should not be given:

� a. any piece of tupperware that is burnt orange/olive green;

� b. chenille teddy in ANY color unless it has a zip-up front;

��c. any evening/nighttime apparel that is considered edible;

� d. cans of whipped cream, jars of peanut butter, yogurt in any flavor, fruits and vegetables that are cylindrical in shape, and any battery operated devices except for ladies' electric razors go BEYOND tacky and are not permitted if you want to get into the church on the BIG DAY.

7. The following items are considered to�be in good taste and are acceptable for giving:

� a. cashier checks in any amount over $100;

� b. deeds to property with a re-sale value that exceeds the parents' combined worth;

� c. Cases of "maybe no baby" pills, as long as cases are labeled "Automated Kneader";

��d. Any crocheted or plastic cross-stitch item, especially if primary colors in such items include day glow pink, olive green, burnt orange, cocoa, or parrot green.

��e. doilies, antemacassars, hand crocheted toaster covers, toilet sets for president's day, sets of wooden kitchen utensils from the "All for a Dollar" store, names of two divorce lawyers (with retainers paid, of course) along with directions to divorce court; his and hers monogrammed hub caps; books entitled "Your First Compost Heap and How To Keep It Productive", "The Do's, Don'ts, Where, How and Why of toilet seat etiquette", "The Definitive Guide to Hanging Toilet Paper" (also known as "Face the Flap Forward");

8. Now that these issues are taken care of, we head for the next stage.

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